Settling Down is Hard to Do

"Staying might, just might, offer an alternative adventure; the adventure of building a whole new skill set -- that of Staying." (Dr Rachel Cason)

After my marriage, the surprising realisation dawned on me that one of the hardest things about my new life was that I was settling down...staying...putting down roots.

I have moved house 19 times in my 33 years of life. (I think I calculated that correctly but it's easy to miscount!) I have moved country four times.

I am very used to leaving or being left. I like to go deep quickly with my friendships, but I can also lean away quickly. If something is not quite right, that's OK, because I don't have to stay; I can find somewhere new, or life will pluck me up and fling me somewhere else. There is always the possibility of a new place and new adventure.

So the idea of making a home somewhere, of not leaving, is both relieving and incredibly unnerving.

On the one hand, perhaps now I can find a greater sense of rest and stability and create my own nest. I don't have to go anywhere! Joy! (This is especially delightful after the stress of moving house three times in this last year alone.) There is a lot to love about my new city; I'm not in a hurry to leave.

But on the other hand...I can't just go anywhere. I have a husband, responsibilities, reasons to stay. These are all good things and answers to prayer, but it means that my typical way of life has been turned upside down.

I'm not a missionary or temporary worker who can "go home" on furlough in a few years. Korea is now home, and not just a passing adventure. If I get tired, frustrated, restless, lonely, or overwhelmed...the solution is not as simple as moving.

As I've sorted through my conflicting emotions, I've found myself humming, "Settling down is hard to do!" (To the merry tune of "Breaking Up is Hard to Do," if you want to sing it for yourself.)

It was Dr Rachel Cason, in her book Incredible Lives and the Courage to Lead Them, who helped me understand that I wasn't alone in my struggle with the idea of settling down. Many other adult TCKs find it challenging.

"The stillness is uncomfortable. Unsettling. Full of false starts as unneeded adrenaline tries to prepare me for winds of change that don't come. Staying can be a struggle," writes Dr Cason.

What makes it a struggle? I think the answer might be different for everyone.

The inner compulsion to move, based on previous life rhythms.

Your sense of Self being disrupted or destroyed.

Fear of being "ordinary," of losing your unique identity as a someone with an "extraordinary," highly mobile, "exciting" life.

Fear of missing out; of boredom; of losing out on adventures.

Fear of not having what it takes to work through relationship or life challenges instead of moving on.

Fear that the new people who become your people won't actually stay, that you'll have to deal with being left behind again, but with no novelty to distract you.

I suppose I feel a little of all of that. Some of my struggles are simply the normal challenges of transitioning to a new area and role, of getting used to being married and living with someone. That's tough in any culture!

There's also a dimension of fear of feeling like a permanent outsider.

I know that my sense of belonging will grow as I continue to be involved in my community, get to know people, and learn the language. That's the goal.

I also know that I'll never fit in completely. I'll always be an obvious foreigner.

And in some ways, I don't want to fit in completely, because I want to hold onto certain values and ways of being or doing which might be different from this culture, even as I negotiate a new identity here. Yet I also don't want to be considered -- or feel like -- an outsider all the time. It's a delicate balance.

I know that even if returned to my birth country, I wouldn't feel like I fit in completely there either. Being an insider or outsider is not always as simple as changing location.

These are struggles I consider as I face the concept of settling down.

In her book, Dr Cason continues, "Yet the struggle holds hope. Hope that the struggle will stretch trembling muscles into stronger ones. Hope that staying might, just might, offer an alternative adventure; the adventure of building a whole new skill set -- that of Staying."

Staying means investing. It means facing the mundane. Working through triggers and traumas instead of running away to something new. It means finding new daily joys, rhythms, and purpose. Those are not easy things, but they are, indeed, a new kind of adventure.

If you struggled to settle down, what made it a challenge for you? And what helped you to put down roots? Let me know in the comments below!